(And his comment on indra’s product)
around 1998
my own journey
First a few words for the skeptics: all of the following is true. I have not invented or exaggerated a detail of this testimony. I have spent the last two days writing and translating this report into English and have carefully chosen every word or sentence to be as close to the truth as possible. I’m not crazy, drunk or under the control of any drug. I am lucid and I feel extremely well, thank you! I just want to describe for the ibogaine list what really and precisely happened to me. I don’t care if some may find this report delusional, if it may be useful to others.
Alright, let’s go:
On Monday January 24, I started my third eboga journey with the Indra extract.
There were 10 grams left. Since I doubted the strength of the extract after my friend’s negative experience, as well as after reading the analysis report provided by Marko on this list, I had planned to take a higher quantity than that recommended on Indra’s website. Moreover, I knew from experience that the psychological defenses that guarded the doors of my unconscious were extremely heavy and powerful, so I felt that a strong dose was necessary for me to achieve my goals. So I absorbed 7.5 grams directly in gel capsules, and kept two capsules containing the remaining 2.5 grams handy, to swallow them later in case I felt the need.
Before going into the details of what happened during my trip, it seems useful to me to take stock of what has happened since my last dose of ibogaine around mid-October 1999. And to better understand the whole of what is discussed in this new report, it is perhaps useful for you to read or reread the report of my first two experiences published on Nick’s site in English: http://www.ibogaine. co.uk/test9.htm or in French: https://ibogaine.co.uk/test10.htm
At the end of my second trip, therefore, I was in rather bad shape. Indeed ibogaine had allowed me to get rid of important and painful problems, but had also brought back to my consciousness extremely negative feelings and emotions previously buried in the “black hole”, which had not been resolved and with which I had to live from now on. In a few words, I would summarize the state where I was by the terms of despair, absolute sadness, total absence of desires, desires, joy, and very many, violent and attractive temptations of suicide.
My reflex was first of all to fight against this extremely painful and dangerous state. But very quickly I remembered the path traveled since the beginning of my psychotherapy, and how primal therapy, whose essential principle is to stop fighting against negative emotions or mental states but on the contrary to dive into them to better to feel them, to understand them and thus to make them ripen in order to solve them as one picks a ripe fruit or as it falls by itself, I therefore remembered to what extent this approach, this principle of action had helped me to progress and to solve many problems. I conclude that instead of fighting against my condition, I still had to accept all this as a new step in my therapy. In fact when I had accepted to assume all these negative feelings, to let them express themselves, it seemed to me that I was well on the way to advancing in my curative process since I quickly realized that in fact I was inside the “black hole”: all these sensations were associated with states and memories going back to the very first years of my childhood, that is to say in the heart of Pandora’s box, at the very source of my problems and my suffering. All of these things were just coming to the surface and taking over me thanks to the ibogaine, which had shattered my defenses and allowed me to open the deepest and most secret doors of my mind to fathom its darkness. From this point of view, therefore, my first two ibogaine trips were not only essential for what they directly brought me at the time, but also because they allowed me to move forward by continuing my healing work. So everything that happened to me seemed to me both extremely painful and dangerous, but also absolutely necessary and I no longer sought to avoid it but on the contrary to “let go” as much as possible. Thus, between mid-October and mid-January, I lived three difficult and fruitful months at the same time where I learned, understood and deepened many things, where an important psychological evolution took place in me. Physically I had to undergo numerous psycho-somatic manifestations, essentially of three types: headaches,
There were, however, two important positive notes in all of this. First of all the fact that the extremely painful pressure that I felt inside my skull before the first dose of ibogaine, and that it had resolved, had completely disappeared as I had felt upon my return. The second positive point was that I felt more and more clearly and strongly, as time passed, that my next dose of ibogaine, for which I prepared myself psychologically, would be decisive – and it was.
So it was in this state of mind that I swallowed the Indra extract around noon on an empty stomach, with just two or three sips of water to wash down the capsules. I felt ready, confident, determined—mature. The first effects occurred very quickly, after about 1/2 hour. Then they evolved very slowly and moderately. After a few hours, there was still not much going on inside me: quite a few nice 2D visions, a few 3D ones, all nice and sweet but hardly deep. The visual effects like phosphenes or flashes when I opened my eyes were also very light. I had no physical discomfort, no desire to vomit.
Four to five hours after taking the product, I did not feel that things were changing, the effects of the extract seemed insufficient to me, so I swallowed the remaining 2.5 grams. About an hour later I felt myself propelled higher, stronger, and then appeared real 3D visions with important and many personal aspects. It was the beginning of an extremely long journey whose structure and content were very different from the first ones. There were no well-marked stages, except for a very long episode (which seemed to me to last an indefinite time: days, weeks, months or years – I don’t know because I had then lost all notion of time , the very notion of time no longer existed, it seemed to have stretched to infinity).
This episode was absolutely extraordinary and staged, as iboga usually does, in a colorful and quite symbolic way: in my internal fields of vision appeared something which very closely resembled the Windows 98 explorer, with on the left the contents of the hard disk accessible in all its structure, down to the smallest corner. To the right of the screen was a part allowing to visualize in detail the contents of each folder or element chosen, and at the bottom right as a hole in the screen which represented the trash. What the hard disk represented in a virtual way, in fact it was me – I mean all of me, all my history and my memories, all of my conscious as of my unconscious, my thoughts, feelings, emotions, sorrows as joys , all my traumas. Absolutely everything that happened to me from the beginning of my life until now was available from explorer. I could at the same time navigate in the structure of myself, click on any element to have the detail. I could visualize it on the right of the screen at will, feel it strongly, analyze its material or emotional content, observe and understand its ramifications and its involvement in the genesis of my character and in my current psychology. I did not only have read access to all of this data, but even more it was possible for me to do with it what I wanted, what I decided to do with it after having observed, felt, analyzed it. , dissected. I could keep them intact as well as modify them at will, eliminate them by dragging them to the trash, order them differently by changing the structure of the hard disk, reorganizing its tree structure and its folders. In short, I had access to absolutely everything, including the most essential and hidden system files, and could do with them what I wanted – and that’s exactly what I did throughout this interminable episode where I completely reorganized and refreshed my entire neural hard drive. It was a fantastic feeling to be at that moment like the creator, the sculptor of myself, my own progenitor in a way. In short, I had access to absolutely everything, including the most essential and hidden system files, and could do with them what I wanted – and that’s exactly what I did throughout this interminable episode where I completely reorganized and refreshed my entire neural hard drive. It was a fantastic feeling to be at that moment like the creator, the sculptor of myself, my own progenitor in a way. In short, I had access to absolutely everything, including the most essential and hidden system files, and could do with them what I wanted – and that’s exactly what I did throughout this interminable episode where I completely reorganized and refreshed my entire neural hard drive. It was a fantastic feeling to be at that moment like the creator, the sculptor of myself, my own progenitor in a way.
This episode was the most important and structured part of my trip. The rest was only an uninterrupted succession of extremely diverse and varied images, sensations, memories, reflections, visions, without guiding thread, but within which I perpetually had this feeling, this feeling of being able to do what I wanted with what was unearthed in this way. Then towards the end of my trip, so probably in the night from Tuesday to Wednesday, I remember having had many more nightmares which were reminiscences of my childhood nightmares. These were quite similar in intensity and hardship to the long conscious dream I had during my first trip and which constitutes the fourth phase, but of a significantly different nature.
Most of this experience ended on Wednesday morning when I woke up around 9 am, after about 45 hours of travel. However, throughout the night from Wednesday to Thursday, I had another very long and absolutely terrifying nightmare, by far the worst of all. I have only since realized, in fact, thanks to ibogaine and what it brings back, the quantity and the destructive character of the nightmares that I suffered as a child, and I understand better now why and how this almost nocturnal bombardment -permanent (and which also occurred during the day during my illnesses and my fevers) could push me so close to madness and violence, at which point they held an essential place in the formation -or rather in the deformation- of my character, in the weakening of the being under construction that I was, and thus greatly accentuated my vulnerability to the traumas that I suffered in my “real” daytime life. It would seem that the curative process of ibogaine plays a huge role at this level because on each trip except the second which was special, it brings back different types of nightmares to seem to cure me of them. I mean by curing myself the fact that each time, I come out victorious at the cost of terrible efforts or fights of these sorts of enterprises of systematic destruction that are my nightmares and therefore feel each time rid of them. , as a child I was never anything other than a victim, a prey incapable of defending myself, of coping. and thus greatly heightened my vulnerability to the traumas I was experiencing in my “real” daytime life. It would seem that the curative process of ibogaine plays a huge role at this level because on each trip except the second which was special, it brings back different types of nightmares to seem to cure me of them. I mean by curing myself the fact that each time, I come out victorious at the cost of terrible efforts or fights of these sorts of enterprises of systematic destruction that are my nightmares and therefore feel each time rid of them. , as a child I was never anything other than a victim, a prey incapable of defending myself, of coping. and thus greatly heightened my vulnerability to the traumas I was experiencing in my “real” daytime life. It would seem that the curative process of ibogaine plays a huge role at this level because on each trip except the second which was special, it brings back different types of nightmares to seem to cure me of them. I mean by curing myself the fact that each time, I come out victorious at the cost of terrible efforts or fights of these sorts of enterprises of systematic destruction that are my nightmares and therefore feel each time rid of them. , as a child I was never anything other than a victim, a prey incapable of defending myself, of coping. It would seem that the curative process of ibogaine plays a huge role at this level because on each trip except the second which was special, it brings back different types of nightmares to seem to cure me of them. I mean by curing myself the fact that each time, I come out victorious at the cost of terrible efforts or fights of these sorts of enterprises of systematic destruction that are my nightmares and therefore feel each time rid of them. , as a child I was never anything other than a victim, a prey incapable of defending myself, of coping. It would seem that the curative process of ibogaine plays a huge role at this level because on each trip except the second which was special, it brings back different types of nightmares to seem to cure me of them. I mean by curing myself the fact that each time, I come out victorious at the cost of terrible efforts or fights of these sorts of enterprises of systematic destruction that are my nightmares and therefore feel each time rid of them. , as a child I was never anything other than a victim, a prey incapable of defending myself, of coping.
The last visible episode of this third trip was therefore this nightmare. Afterwards, nothing more happened except that the state of total exhaustion, both physical and mental, in which I then found myself, took a long time to dissipate. I slowly regained my senses, day by day, and didn’t begin to feel any energy until the following Monday. Today is Tuesday, February 8, I have now regained all my strength and my lucidity and I can make a provisional update on my experience.
This is tremendously positive from all points of view. I feel deeply, totally changed. I no longer have any problems or suffering, no more grief, pain, negative thoughts. In fact, I feel like I’ve finished my therapy, I’ve done all the work that needed to be done. I feel that a certain me, the one who was sick and in pain, died and was buried, and another me was born, someone healthy and balanced, someone of happy people who love life (1). I no longer feel like drinking or smoking or taking any other drugs. I get up in the morning in a good mood and full of energy, brimming with vitality, I have a lot of personal and professional projects in mind that I have already started to implement. I changed my diet, started exercising again. I no longer have headaches or heartburn or herpes outbreaks. I regained my intellectual abilities, my ability to concentrate to think, my memory works better. All the ties that connect me to myself and to the world have become pleasant, positive. Everything in my way of being, of feeling, of thinking, has absolutely changed. For example, before, at 42, I considered myself an old man with most of his life behind him, no hope ahead, no future. I wanted my life to end, one way or another. Today I have the impression of being a teenager taking his first steps in his adult life, a young man in construction, sufficiently conscious and responsible to take himself in hand and build his life but not quite formed again, a growing and becoming being. I have the impression that a long and welcoming life is waiting for me, smiling and reaching out to me. I see softness and sunshine around me as I feel softness and sunshine inside me. The climate is really mild in Bordeaux, France, today. Thank you Mother Iboga… I have the impression that a long and welcoming life is waiting for me, smiling and reaching out to me. I see softness and sunshine around me as I feel softness and sunshine inside me. The climate is really mild in Bordeaux, France, today. Thank you Mother Iboga… I have the impression that a long and welcoming life is waiting for me, smiling and reaching out to me. I see softness and sunshine around me as I feel softness and sunshine inside me. The climate is really mild in Bordeaux, France, today. Thank you Mother Iboga…
Regards to all,
Xavier
(1): when rereading this passage, it seems interesting to clarify the following point, even if it may seem incredible or incomprehensible to the reader: this was planned from the start of the concrete effects of my trip, that is to say some time after swallowing the extra 2.5 grams. The first vision that appeared to me was that of my “true self” coming to announce to me that it was the end of the cycle therefore of my healing work, that “me”, that is to say the “sick me “I was going to die and he was going to take my place. He told me not to worry, that now was just the time to gently fade away and that he would stay by my side, help me to make it all right. In fact he never left me, I felt him constantly with me,
I remember the moment of intense joy I felt when he appeared and spoke to me, the feeling of absolute confidence and unconditional abandonment when I saw his permanent presence. I remember immediately realizing, as soon as Windows 98 Explorer appeared, that this was the main tool that would allow me to die to myself and become him, and I remember accomplishing this task with a immense joy.
…………………………
Comments on Indra’s extract
During my first two eboga trips, I had swallowed excellent quality fresh root bark. In both cases, the effects occurred in the same way: first symptoms appearing after about an hour and a half, then gradually increasing until 2D and then 3D visions appeared with sometimes personal content . Finally, after about three to four hours after ingestion, a fairly sustained and strong feeling of take-off, then after this take-off the impression of keeping, whatever the different phases of the trip, more or less the same force. that propels you, the same speed.
With Indra’s product it was very different: the first effects appeared more quickly, after about half an hour to three quarters of an hour. They increased only slightly during the next half hour or three quarters of an hour, then there was suddenly, without anything to indicate it, a sudden surge, a rather powerful “kick in the ass” even violent but very short which propelled me to a slightly higher level, whose effects were however much less strong and less impressive than those obtained with the root. I didn’t really have the feeling of having fully taken off, of having passed into another state. It’s quite strange and paradoxical as a feeling, at the moment we have the impression of a great rise, but very brief and then you realize that you are not that high. Then this moderate state lasted for several hours until I decided to take the extra 2.5 grams, because after waiting all this time and not noticing a truly effective effect, I thought it would not work. upper. I had the feeling of stagnating at a level that was not enough for me.
About an hour after absorbing the extra 2.5 grams, I felt like a second climb, a second “kick in the ass” as abrupt and brutal as the first that propelled me higher and more quickly, deeper into the visions and the psychological work of ibogaine. For me, the real “journey” began at this moment. I then had the feeling of being in a state roughly similar in intensity and speed to the one I had known with 35 grams of bark during my first trip. At the time I was very satisfied because I imagined that having reached this stage I would stay at this level which suited me perfectly. It allowed me to perform work that was both powerful and gentle, which I felt I had mastered well. A lot was happening fast and hard, but not too fast and not too hard.
However, a few hours later (I wouldn’t be able to specify because from the second “kick in the ass” I had lost all notion of time and had no reference point, I just know that it had been dark for a long time so it was late evening or night), to my surprise, there was a third push that propelled me much higher. From that moment things became much more difficult to manage because the sensations were much stronger, everything was going much faster than in the hours that had preceded. I had the distinct impression when I had taken too much extract, that the effect was too powerful and that it would have been better if I stuck to the original 7.5 grams which would probably have been enough. to do the same job.
I’m going to use a metaphor to try to make you understand the feeling I had: imagine you were riding a powerful motorcycle. You start off moderately after warming up the engine, then kick the throttle quite vigorously that takes you to, say, 120 km/h on a relatively straight, open road. You then have the impression of strolling gently while looking at the landscape, and after a few hours you start to find it slightly boring. So all of a sudden you accelerate suddenly and in a few seconds you find yourself at 200 km/h on a much less clear road and with many turns but quite wide and easy to manage. At that moment you are fully satisfied because you have a fairly strong feeling of speed and power while feeling, despite everything, master of your vehicle. So you are not bored anymore and you have a lot of pleasant and rewarding feelings.
Then after a few hours, without you wanting it or wanting it, the engine suddenly revs up and gives full power, bringing you to 300 km/h in a few seconds while the road becomes much less clear, more and tighter turns. And then everything becomes much more impressive and more difficult, everything is linked at full speed, you feel the engine overspeeding and your vehicle shaking all over, you cling to the handlebars with all your might trying to master the process and you only with great difficulty can you stay on your path. And there you have the very clear feeling that everything is going much too fast and too strong, you would like to slow down to return to the previous sensations but there is no way to brake and you are forced to go all the way at this speed, until the gas is gone and the motorcycle stops by itself. When it finally stops after many thousands of kilometers and endless hours of restless driving, you find yourself totally exhausted, exhausted by this fantastic ride. Well all of that is pretty much what happened to me on my trip. you find yourself totally exhausted, harassed by this fantastic ride. Well all of that is pretty much what happened to me on my trip. you find yourself totally exhausted, harassed by this fantastic ride. Well all of that is pretty much what happened to me on my trip.
I really didn’t expect this strong rise that was so long to come, in three stages so spaced out in time and brutal, while the first effects arrived very quickly while being very light. This is all really very different from the way things started and then developed with the root.
But that’s about how the effects happen. As for the effects themselves, I find them quite comparable. The few hours after the second climb strongly reminded me of what I had experienced with the bark. The process and the intensity were the same. The efficiency seems similar to me. On my first trip I took 35 grams of root, and in my opinion if I hadn’t taken the extra 2.5 grams this time I would probably have reached an equivalent level and would have stayed there. If, therefore, 35 grams of bark=7.5 grams of Indra’s product, this is indeed a 1×5 extract as advertised.
And so, for an 80 kilo adult male like me, six to seven grams of the extract should be enough to get a strong effect. I wouldn’t advise anyone to take 10 grams like I did because then you definitely feel like you’re overreacting, and that probably doesn’t add anything more than taking 7 grams. This is the amount I plan to swallow for my next trip in three months. I could then really compare with the root-equivalent.
As for discomfort, there too I was asking myself serious questions after my friend’s experience because she had been very ill and I wondered if the product was to blame. In fact not at all, since as for me I absorbed the entire product in capsules without any anti-nausea before. Having lay down immediately afterwards without moving at all, I felt absolutely no discomfort or urge to vomit. From this point of view, therefore, the product seems to me to be irreproachable and well tolerated by the body. It is enough to absorb it in capsules to absolutely avoid any direct contact with the mucous membranes, then to lie down without waiting for the first effects. The need for an anti-nausea probably depends on the stomach sensitivity of each, as with the root or the Hcl.
In summary then, I would say that the Indra extract seems to me to be an effective, powerful product, which I would gladly recommend.
Regards to all,
Xavier