December 2000
I had been smoking opium to get over life’s usual problems and stress from work and family (that is my excuse anyway!) for a number of years. Recently things started to get out of hand and I began to spend more and more time (up to 3 hours a day on two occassions-first thing in the morning and again in the evening) feeding my habit. Just before Christmas 2000, I decided to quit and after reading about Ibogaine on the internet I ordered about 4 grammes of extract from Indra in Denmark and on Boxing day started the process.
Initially I took about half a gram to make sure that I was not allergic to the drug. This appeared to counteract any withdrawal symptoms for a few hours but by 5pm I started to hurt again and so I took another 1.5 grams. [Marvel later revealed he took a total of about 3g of the extract] For some reason I didn’t tell anyone about it and decided to go it alone. I knew this was wrong but felt that keeping my partner awake through the night was selfish and cruel. All the way through I was extremely cold and felt as though a block of ice was inside me chilling me from inside. At another point I threw up but this was at about 11pm.
Initially I started to see shadows and also two of everything. The lights on the Christmas tree hurt my eyes so much that I had to turn them off. Time was going extremely slowly and for some reason I lost 24 hrs and kept thinking that I had been abstaining for 48hrs when in actual fact the whole thing only lasted about 24hrs. Half way through the night I started to experience painful withdrawal symptoms in my back and my legs. I also had a terrible diarrhoea and must have rushed to the toilet every ten minutes. I also needed to urinate as frequently. Rightly or wrongly I decided not to eat anything and only drank water and orange juice. I don’t remember the entire story in my head since all thishappened about ten days ago. I do however remember talking to myself as I was sitting on the Loo. It felt as though someone else was in my head who kept shouting at me and lecturing me. I was extremely restless and felt so bad that I just wanted the pain to go away. I therefore kept thinking that if only I smoked some Opium the pain would disappear. Luckily I remembered that using drugs under these circumstances would lead to death. This was the only thing that kept me going. I must admit that I didn’t expect to have to tolerate so much pain and discomfort. At times I kept thinking that cold turkey would not have been any worse than what I was going through. May be I should have taken more Ibogaine but frankly I was too scared to do it.
Every time I tried to sleep the symptoms increased and restlessness took over my body. I do not wish this sensation on my worst enemy and can safely say that I have never experienced so much painin my life. The voices were loudest when I was sitting on the Loo and it was then that I imagined I could see my internal organs such as my bowels and stomach lining etc. I felt as though they could talk to me and express an opinion. In fact it felt as though each organ or part of my body was a stand alone unit with its own mind and only looked after its own interest. I kept asking them to work together and make me feel better. At one stage I saw my own bones being buried. This last image made quite an impression in me so much so that for days I kept thinking about it. I then burst into tears and wondered what the point of being here was. Life appeared so worthless and pointless and I kept thinking about smoking opium again to make me feel better. By the following morning the pain had mostly gone and I actually felt alot better. I still couldn’t sleep though. Also my appetite was virtually non existent. I only managed a mouthful of food at meal times. I then decided to come clean and let my partner know. She was very supportive and pleased that I had decided to quit. I then kept thinking about my ordeal and cried and cried. I was weak and restless and still kept thinking about smoking. I did not expect to feel this way as I had read that Ibogaine would stop all this. So obviously something is wrong here. Either I didn’t take enough Ibogaine or it is a myth that Ibogaine stops your craving. My advice to those who want to quit is “go for it” as you won’t know for sure unless you try it. As aminimum it breaks the cycle and gets your body a rest.
Ten days on my body is still not 100% but I feel better with each passing day. This made me get rid of all my stuff to avoid temptation and get me to respect myself again. I am a self made guy and have achieved everything through sheer will power and bloodymindedness. Recently I had started to doubt myself and could just see myself in the gutter without a wife or family. Right now I feel good about myself and also 2001. I even thought about joining the NA but after reading their materials on the internet decided that it wasn’t for me. I have started using the AVRT(Adictive Voice Recognition Technique) system of abstaining which has worked for me so far. There is however a long way to go yet!!!
If anyone wants more information they can send me an e mail.
regards
Postscript: It is now 17th Feb 2001, I am still clean and have been able to abstain since boxing day. This seems to get easier with each passing day. I still think about smoking now and again but AVRT has proved quite a tool forme. For those who don’t know it this is an Addictive Voice Recognition Technique and enables you to separate the desire to use from your true self. This concept has worked for me since when on Ibogaine I felt that someone else in my head was telling me off for putting my body through so much and was basically encouraging me to go back to smoking. At that time I hadn’t come across AVRT which I found on the net by accident. If anyone is interested the web site is called “rational recovery”.
The battle is still not over yet though as I still have a partially blocked nose and my back still hurts a bit. I am not however sure if this is due to a bad cold that I got after Ibogaine or my symptoms persisting. These symptoms of course keep reminding methat I am still not quite out of it yet (some 6 weeks later) and that one smokewould cure me. I do however recognise this to be my Addictive Voice or (Beast) and keep ignoring it.