April 2000

Subject: A first ibogaine trip from an Earthling
Date: April 2000

Having seen what ibogaine did for a person with a severe drug problem, I was supportive of its use for those with substance abuse issues. However, I have no such problems; indeed, I have never even experienced a hangover. So, when this person suggested I try the “magic bullet,” I was skeptical. I had no problems to fix, no compulsions, no cravings. If anything, this would be a complete waste of money and time. Still, I tried a minute amount of ibogaine hydrochloride and was astounded to perceive a window opening into myself. I saw very clearly that I am angry for always pleasing others instead of calmly asserting myself. The window closed just as quickly as it had opened, but the realization of what I had understood stayed with me.

When the opportunity came to try more ibogaine, I was open to taking a slightly larger amount. Although I did not “feel anything,” there came a moment when I wanted to go and experience life instead of shrinking from the unknown. I felt clear-headed, happy, and confident. I also had the confidence to speak openly to my partner about issues that had been bothering me. I had a certain amount of detachment so that I could explain myself without attacking him or holding back. I was not plagued by the guilt or tears that had often ended my attempts at expressing myself.

Then I truly felt that Ibogaine has something to offer the “normal” person and agreed to the journey of self-discovery which I hope to never forget. I took approximately 1 1/2 grams of Indra ibogaine over several hours. (I weigh 100 lbs.) I didn’t feel anything until I had taken the full amount. Suddenly, the bed lifted off, just like the plane that had brought me to the Bahamas. This was a very gentle feeling. I saw some half-formed primal images and batik patterns, mostly in earth tones. Then the dialogs began. I had complete conversations over issues that had been bothering me. Because these were not one-sided tirades on my part, I heard the other person’s rational and understood why he/she did these things. “Ok, I understand,” I said and went on to resolve another issue. This went on for several hours while the images grew fully formed, flowing in a stream from right to left. The images were of primal masks and totems; was this because I had read other people’s accounts in which this is what they saw or are they truly archetypes that we carry within us? The pivotal moment came when I heard my voice, that shrill, querulous tone that men just don’t respond to well. No wonder! It sounded like a cat scratching on a blackboard and set my teeth on edge. I hope that from now on, if this whine pops out of my delicate little mouth, I will recognize it and catch it in mid-whine. Then, instead of gritting my teeth and putting up a false front while the resentment builds up, I will rationally express my feelings and assert my position. This realization alone is worth years of analysis. And that sums up my trip and my feelings about ibogaine for the non-addicted individual. It is a rational journey into the self in which one gets a clear view of the issues that have been beseiging the soul and blocking one’s enjoyment of life.

I came away from this experience with a profound sense of well-being, that I was in control of my life. I can assert myself and do it calmly, rationally, eloquently. I am neither a doormat nor a porcupine with its quills up. Thank you, ibogaine.

By Dev