around 1998
When I took my first dose of ibogaine I felt a great deal of dread and for a minute felt a strong urge to run to the bathroom and vomit it up. But then that feeling passed and I went in to lay down.
It seemed like it took a long time before anything began to feel different but then occasionally a wave would come that took me to another level. Each time the wave came I would also feel a wave of panic but after each wave it seemed like I just stayed at that level until I got used to it. It still seemed long and slow with incremental changes in body feelings and a buzzing in my ears. Finally I felt to be in a pretty altered state – very tingly and a feeling of unreality in my body, which is about when some visuals started to show up.
Actually the very first thing that seemed to be said to me was that, whether or not I took ibogaine, that I was on the right track for my life and even if I continued to take painkillers, I was still on the right track, which surprised but comforted me as well.
Now I wanted to see if I could ask some questions so I asked why relationships had been difficult for me and I was shown a porcupine. Then it said that the options for a porcupine were to either be with another porcupine or else shave off the quills. That felt too difficult to me so I kind of abandoned the issue but then the back of an animal kept appearing that had been freshly shaved and seemed to say that I could choose a different kind of hair to grow out now on this animal and I started to think about all the different kinds of animal hair there was, but then it just rested on the shaved image over and over.
Then I asked about my folks and saw a young woman walking along a ledge and a voice said that there was so much rage there that I didn’t even want to know about it, which felt true. My desire was to back away from that issue because the anger frightened me, but a factory whistle appeared that was quite large and blew off steam over and over again.
Next I saw myself in a large body of water around a white ocean liner and I am scrambling up the side trying to keep myself from drowning but I end up falling totally in and sink to the bottom. However, then I saw my guide come get me and bring me back up.
Now it felt like everything went to another new level with lots of swirling images and I saw my brain being bombarded with energy over and over again, which felt like a positive healing thing. Then I was back in the ocean and the water is filthy and it’s as though a big clean-up project was beginning. There was a definite feeling that this was a prepared presentation by someone for me and it was also like the preparer was a wise and patient individual so that I felt pretty comforted.
I asked why I felt so unhappy in my life and was shown a small green clay pea sitting at the bottom of a huge Egyptian pyramid structure. The pea represented my ability to love. It was impressed on me that all the difficulties stemmed from my ability to love being so small, although then the pea started to grow until it filled the whole scene. I didn’t know if this meant that my ability to love was now growing or whether the pea got larger so that I could get very close to see what the obstacles were.
Now I felt a feeling superimposed over my actually-closed eyes, in that my right eye was wide open, very large and clear and saw things mostly in black and white, although there was a purple tinge to things as well. It was also indicated that this eye was my logical, rational, and judgmental view of the world. However, my left eye was squeezed shut and couldn’t open because it had been shut so long and was sort of crusted over even. A cue tip with boric solution kept swabbing back and forth over it to aid in its opening but that didn’t seem to work too well. It was indicated that this eye was my soft, loving and gentle view of the world and that I needed to get this eye to open.
So then it did open but there are lots of threats to it like swords and weapons so that I wanted to shut it again. A shade then drew down over my right eye and the left opened again, hoping to see the beach, but it’s the desert with skeletons and broken wagon wheels, so the left eye shut again and the right eye opened. It seemed like a hopeless situation to get that left eye to open and about now a very difficult unpleasant negative feeling started to come into my whole body as a black smokey cloud of pressure that pounded away at me, especially the whole left side of my body. It was very frightening and felt incredibly evil. It kept pounding away and I got so afraid of the evilness of the feeling that I called my guide in to ask him how to deal with it. He told me that it was better to stay with the feeling instead of avoiding it. It seemed indicated to me that this feeling was linked to my parents’ unhappiness and negativity and that it was literally killing my body and my energy, and that I needed to get some distance from my parents. My guide then suggested that I put the cloud into a closet, which I did, and the closet shrank away. The intensity of this feeling still lingered but after talking about it a bit the scenes changed to a polar ice cap with two polar bears walking around. I knew that the bears represented my folks and I liked them but the place itself was so cold, lonely and isolating that I longed very much to leave.
Next, lots of confusion about fear and anger came in but I felt unwilling to pursue it. Then everything picked up speed again and an incredible montage of ceilings starts swirling through. Most of the ceilings are beautifully textured, mostly white with midnight blue lights all around, but even though the ceilings are beautiful they have me closed in terribly and I feel very pressured by them – as though I am suffocating under them. The ceilings and claustrophobia feel pretty terrifying and it seems to go on and on. It’s somehow indicated to me that my thinking I’m bad is related to what these ceilings represent and explains a persistent feeling of being held back all the time. It’s not really clear to me whether it’s my belief that I’m bad that’s the problem or whether I somehow do deserve this negativity because of some sort of karma.
At this point I am feeling pretty terrified and just want the whole experience to end and for the ibogaine to wear off, but a voice keeps saying, “There’s more,” and next a new awful landscape appears. It’s somehow walls and mountains of cast iron and rock with red rust on everything. There is a great deal of intense swirling with gold and blue flowing all over the scene constantly and it is very harsh and awful-feeling. A king appears on one of the rocks. He has a crown and a purple robe. A dim light is shining on his face and I feel like he represents God, or my beliefs about God, but I am so overwhelmed by the awfulness of these scenes that I have no desire to go further into it. Also superimposed very strongly over my body is a feeling of being a rag doll thrown down all askew. It’s sort of like an orchestra is playing and continuing to a terrible crescendo and finally a voice asks me if I know a way out of all this and I remember that when I used to have panic attacks I would repeat, “I love you,” to myself over and over, which would lessen the panic. So I start to repeat, “I love you,” and now the swirling mess starts to open up. All of the ceilings come around again but they keep unfolding and now I am up above everything looking down on a city that’s unfolding in a very relieving and positive way and the feelings of suffocation and entrapment break up.
Next the feeling of my left eye not being able to open shifts, and my eye starts opening slowly but wider and wider until it’s completely open and I am staring at the ceiling of the room I am laying in. A voice says, “Okay, it’s over,” and I feel the intensity of the whole experience waning and I am very relieved!
Now I felt quite dizzy and queasy for a while so I just lay there with my eyes closed. I still get the blue and gold and white ceilings swirling but it doesn’t feel uncomfortable anymore and I keep checking on the dizziness by opening my eyes. Pretty soon I can keep my eyes open and feel much more back to my body.
Later that night as I am trying to go to sleep I get to float up all over the city again which is very beautiful and pleasant. The blue lights are all over and lovely. There’s an indication that this is some sort of parting gift and that the batteries to the blue lights are now dying. Then once more a huge white ceiling appears that looks like right out of a Las Vegas casino and gives me that terribly trapped suffocating feeling again and someone asks me how do I get rid of this, again? So I start with the “I love you’s” again and the ceiling floats off to the right. After that I am able to go to sleep.
I am happy to answer any further questions and can be reached at [email protected]